After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
