i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
