i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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