No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
