i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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