i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
