I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
