I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
