I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
