So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
