OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Randomize
