She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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