A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
