I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
