Writing my paper on freud at bar
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.