So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
