Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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