he wants to bone in the snuggie
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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