Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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