I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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