Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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