Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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