I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
