Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
