How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
