Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
