We're like a lot better than the average bears
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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