I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
