You work out of a Hotel?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
