His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
