i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
