I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
