if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
