I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
