I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
