Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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