I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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