Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
