im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
