...so i touched it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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