I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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