i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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