the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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