i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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