He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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