If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
