He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
