I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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