just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
