You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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