Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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