Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
