i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
