I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i believe in u and ur pee
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize