Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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