She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He better not be in your backpack
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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