I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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