my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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