My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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