how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
